Phases of me.

I had a dream last night that I was walking through different phases of my life. Each one a different scene from a play where I was the main role. I walked through insecurity and loneliness. I saw a child with no patience to grow up. I felt no pity for her all the while because I knew what the future would hold. Not once did I embrace her of comfort her because I knew that was not what she needed. She needed reassurance that things would change and get better. I watched her for a while and just observed. I was a tourist in a past that was my own. I knew what she was thinking and feeling and yet I did not disturb her thoughts, or was she mine? After a while I tired and moved on. I then came across my teenage self and her insecurity was even more noticeable, it radiated from her and effected all those around. I wondered if i would have done things differently had I been in her shoes but then I knew that she had not come as far as I did. Her biggest bully was her own self and it sickened me. I felt like screaming at her and telling her to go, go and join in on what was going around but it would not have made any difference. It is what she, I have done to myself. I could not take it anymore and moved on.
I walked into a shop. My shop. The first one I had worked in. Everyone was giant and moving along at their own pace, past my younger self and  I swept  away their footprints, not looking up or daring eye contact. I could feel her need to fit in stronger than before. It was so obvious and her none of these giants so much as cast a glance in her direction. For the first time I wanted to intervene but knew that i could not. She would latch onto me and never let go, so great was her desperation. No, I had to leave her there in that time and place and move on.
My next journey took me over sea and land and this time I was met with a different emotion. One that was unknown to any of my former selves. This was frustration. I could feel it boil up in me and seep through the cracks. It was contagious. I wanted to rid myself of this feeling and scrape every ounce that had clung to me. I watched myself  bubble and boil in front of others with a smile on my face that was easy to disbalieve. The others spoke in languages foreign to more and moved in ways that was unknown. She, I could not keep up with them and just when I thought I have move mastered, it changed. meandered in shapes and sounds that I could not grasp. Tired, frustrated and confused she sat on the floor in defeat. I felt nothing towards her. She had chosen this and I knew of the benefits  that were soon to come.I left her on the floor, breathing hard and doe eyed. There was no more for her to do and we both knew it.
The next scene brought a smile to my face and could feel light. I saw myself smiling and staring back at me. This was not a mirror yet it was a reflection and I knew what this journey would hold. I saw mountains and sand behinds my reflection and I felt a glow that radiated all around and the me that i was standing in front of was conscious of my presence. Unlike the former selves, this one started right back and nodded with a sense of completion. I felt the presence of my former selves gather around me and stand on either sides of me. I lifted my hand and gestured at the last form of myself. they looked at me with hope and smiled at each one in turn. I knew they did not understand but in time that would and come to know how it felt to be truly loved, by yourself.

My darker insecurities.

He came home tonight.
"Why are all the lights on in the house?" he asks.
"Because I was scared" I mumble.
"scared of what?"
"everything........!"
"Everything? You cannot possibly be scared of everything?"
"Wanna bet ,because I am." I meekly say while carrying on with my work.
"Okay, tell me one thing that you are scared of"
"I can tell you many." still busy. Not bothering to look up.
He goes around switching lights off and yells from the passage, "well start with one then."
"okay, I am scared of the illuminati."
"what?"
"You heard me, the illuminati"
"You do know how ridiculous you sound?"
He aways says things like that, making me feel less inclined to further the conversation and yet as I feel him judging me and condemming my emotions to stupidty, I carry on with my work, not letting him know how much his critisms hurt. He lets out a bellowing laugh that churns my insides because it reeks of ridicule. He enters the room and with that goofey smile on his face, kisses me on the top of his head, all the while I continue on. I hate that he does that, patronises me with mock affection.
"Go on," he says " what else scares you?
I know he does not really care and is looking for further amusement and yet I cannot help myself. I stop this time and look him square in the face that still has that pathetic half smile where he tries to look concerned but cannot help himself. I pause, an effect clearly lost on his half wit.
"Death, love, being and not being, having and not having." I have lost him, I can see it in his face. He is not sure what to say and just stares back at me, only this time the smile is gone and I have achieved all I can with him.
"This converstion is a lost cause."
"You are weird. Scared of crap and here I thought you were going to say something like ghosts or vampires. What am I going to do with you?"
And just like that he reverts backs to his cynical, patronising self. I continue on with my work but a sly smile starts at the corner of my mouth. I had him there for a moment, I really had him.